Road to Nowhere Take & Hold Mission - Orks vs. Salamanders - 1000 points The day was off to a bad start. The master's squigs were covered in some sort of pustules that made them a bit too piquant for his rustic palette. The Nazgof Kingdom was in an uproar over the treachery of Shagrat against the reigning Darkmoon King, MorGrodd Overdog, and Bez Bez - Weirdboy, High Preist of Ogzor and Moondog's personal spiritual advisor was missing, somewhere in the icy wastelands of Armageddon. To make matters worse, Royal Guards had been dispatched from the throneworld to safeguard Moondog, the Crown Prince. They klanked around the camp in their Mega Armour, making a terrible racket and drinking all the squig-juice. Moondog spat out a chewy bit of measel-coated squig and looked around with a foul look on his face. "Uurg. Dem squigz iz rottin. Irk! Git over here!" I was immediately at my master's side, quill and parchment at the ready. "Yes, mighty Grodd?" When I regained consciousness there were sounds of gunfire and howls of joy that could only mean one thing. We were under attack. Large purple balls of energy were erupting all around our camp, which was in the crook of a hill. "It'z da shell-hedz! Green ones! They're after da hill boyz! Letz rokk!" Moondog was trying to rush ahead into the fray, but the lumbering Mega-Armoured bodyguards were slow and waddled ahead with the speed of a drunken stunty. "Yew lot! MOVE IT!" I looked up to the crest of our hill and saw them; Dark green armour glinting in the light of the gunfire chattering in the cold morning air. Their barrages had swept the hilltop clear of defenders and a tactical squad of Salamander Marines, led by a Librarian were taking defensive positions. Da boyz were thoroughly excited to have enemies so close at hand, and though they were all armed with shootaz, they simply fired into the air and let out a mighty warcry as they charged up the hill over the blasted remains of their comrades. "WWAAUUGGHH!" The fresh attackers slammed into the Marines, while Moondog's newest purchases, three Killer Kanz waded through the action and went after the Librarian. After a few savage moments it was finished. The boyz were tossing trophy helmets between each other, some of them still containing heads. Suddenly the hill erupted again with explosions. A Devastator squad was spotted in the distance lobbing balls of plasma and sending beams of melta-energy slicing into their ranks. The Kanz bore the brunt of their fury, but they did not fall. They pivoted and advance towards the attackerswhile the boyz mobbed up on top of the hill and returned fire with rokkits. Moondog was still coaxing his body guards along, inexorably towards a forward position in a group of trees, but they might as well have been standing still. In fury, Moondog emptied his slugga into them, but they continued to plod along, oblivious to all, chanting: 'Ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go... The rhino that had carried the Salamanders' tactical squad cut across the path of the kanz, and was stopped in its tracks by an enormous buzzing blade that sliced deep into its chassis. There was a fiery blast, and the trio of kanz were lost from view. Moments later they came wading through the wreckage, big shootaz blazing, bearing down on the marines. The marines' armour, a Razorback and a Predator scored hit after hit, which failed to slow the charge of the Kanz. Their armour red hot from the heat, they stomped into the Devastators' position and dismembered them with wild abandon, flinging limbs and entrails into the winter sky. A trio of warbikes were refueling, having had most of their squig-juice siphoned off by the bodyguards, and arrived at the battle scene late. They spotted a small squad on a far away hill, hiding in the bushes. "C'mon ladz! Leftovers!" They gunned their engines and tore away, big shootaz blazing, leaving a trail of steaming shell casings in their wake. There were a few muffled explosions, and then silence. Small charred pieces of warbike rained to the ground, ending the attack on the Salamanders' hill. The battle was over; stalemate. After da ladz had finished picking over the Marines’ dead for trophies I noticed something in a pouch on the dead librarian’s belt. It was a map of the Imperial defenses. There was a bunker due north of our position that was the marines’ base of operations for this area. Since they had a major force entrenched at this location the bunker would be relatively unguarded. They could secure fresh supplies and set up a strongpoint from which to launch the next leg of their attack; but how to get this into Moondog’s hands without receiving a beatingÖ "GIBWORT!" "Coming master!" I stuffed the map into a pouch and trotted towards the sound of his bellowing voice. I found him at the latrine, or ‘drop’ as the orks call it. The master always found it necessary to relieve himself after a battle, in fact it was the only time his bowels became active. It seemed that unless he ‘had a good scrap’ as he called it, he could become constipated, especially since coming to Armageddon. Something in the water didn’t quite agree with him. "Aww dat was great. Now I needs a wipe." I handed him the map. "Right here my leige. A parchment from the marine bossÖ" Before I finished, the paper was snatched from my hand. "Hur hur hur. Take dat, Emperor!" I slapped my forehead in frustration. But then; "Oi! Wotz all dis?" Moondog was on his feet, staring at the parchment in astonishment. "Gibwort! Get Zug Zug and Rha’Ghu!" I ran to fetch the mob bosses, excited that my plan was working. By sundown we would be relaxing in a cozy imperial bunker with bellies full and pockets bulging. The nobz were gathered and Moondog held a war council. I hurded in a few grots that held up a chunk of blasted Rhino armour for a makeshift war table. The map was slapped down and Moondog started to explain ‘da plan’. "Dis is a map frum one of da shell-hedz. It shoze da whole area. Here’s Shagrat way up here in da Norf. Here’s us in da Souf." Good, good. I thought to myself. Now the bunkerÖ "Now dis line up da middle goes roit up thru da whole Imperial position. Dis is day key to da whole plan. When we gets ta dis road we gets ta Shagrat!" "Waaugh!" The nobs were all very excited by ‘da plan’. I was doubtful. Squirming my way through the press of bodies I had another look at the map I had given the Darkmoon PrinceÖ The ‘road’ was, in fact, Moondog’s ‘track’ that he had left across the map’s surface moments earlier. There was no road; We were about to be led straight into the heart of enemy territory to search for a fictional road that was nothing more than a greasy smear on a map. Things would be getting worse before they got better. Dylan - July 9, 2001